Learning How To Be Okay With Rest
I have never been good about taking care of my body. You can only avoid your stress, your health, and your mental health for so long before your body will tell you that it is time to take a break. As someone who has pretty much always been a perfectionist…
Sometimes my hands bleed from the cold, and I accidentally draw in one eyebrow darker than the other. My professor says I am an enigma. They see layers and layers and layers but there is no end. I save the meanest things you’ve said to me so that when I miss you, I can read them back and remember why some people are better being missed than sought after. I need to stop searching for an ending inside of places that never wanted to begin.
I am not looking at myself these days. Is it possible to go an entire month without looking in the mirror? Can I erase my own face from my memory, Or can I choose to remember myself how I’d like to, Instead of the way the mirror lies? I look at myself, And I see the frigid air of February, The darkness of a winter that’s gone on too long. I look at myself, And I see the promise of rebirth in March, But then I remember I lost myself in January. And there is no longer anything left To come back up in the dirt come spring.
You do this thing where you act like I’m fragile. Like I have a home among the branches Of the stained glass trees that line the train tracks. Sometimes, I don’t think I’m a woman; I’m just a silhouette in the sunset, Tangled in glass. In silence. I’m not as broken as you think I am.
This Is Not An Exit
I text my friends and they don’t answer; I think of all the ways I try to erase myself We drink sadness out of paper cups. This is never how I wanted things to be. I search “how do I not feel guilty for changing my mind;” I take 3 business days to answer your email. I am not in love with you. I swear to god September happened, But in October we never even had a chance. I am so many different people. I don’t know how to explain myself anymore.
The End of Us
Today could be the end of us if you wanted it to be. I know I drink more coffee than you think is healthy, And I know I’m not the One you dreamed about. But just this once I was hoping you could make an exception. I know my anxiety gets in the way of everything, And my emotions are just as scattered as our communication. I’ve been drinking the same cup of coffee for three hours now, Ruminating over the best way to move forward When all I want is to just sink further down.