You can’t pretend that your past never happened. Just because you want to be over it, doesn’t mean that you are. You cannot hide from who you were, what you’ve done, or what you have been through.
Life is complicated, and it will never stop being that way. You can go years without thinking of the bad things that have happened to you. You can assume that you are over it. That you’ve moved on. You can work yourself so hard that you’re too tired to even be able to think about what you’ve been through. But eventually, it will catch up with you. You can only avoid the things you haven’t dealt with for so long.
One day, you’re smiling and laughing, and you realize their name hasn’t crossed your mind in ages. And then that same night, you go to bed, but sleep never comes for you. Flashbacks from your past crash through your mind, and no matter what you do, you cannot make them stop. You cannot sleep. You cannot dream. You just lie awake wondering why. Why after five years, are you not over this yet? Why after five years can you not just move on? Why did this ever have to happen to you in the first place?
The darkness surrounds you, and you feel like you are drowning. There is no peace until after the sun rises. There is no peace once the evening hits.
It is five years later, and still, there is no peace.
I need to start being more comfortable with that fact.
You cannot run or hide from your past. Your past is a part of you, and you owe it to yourself to remember and accept that fact. You don’t have to live in your past, but you cannot pretend that it never happened.
The darkness will always come.
It is up to you how you move forward once it does.
I hope you fight like hell to get past it.